It’s Okay To Be You: How Unhappiness Made Me Mindful
Help, I'm having a heart attack. I was 28. I wasn't actually having a heart attack but it felt like it. I was directed to the nurses office at work, and then promptly sent to the hospital.
The nurse at work didn't know what to do with me. I drove myself, alone, wondering what had my life become?
I was lost, lonely. I didn't know how to move forward, or even where to go. I was stuck in over thinking and self doubt, unable to express myself clearly.
I lived with a pervading sense of unhappiness without knowing why or what to do about it.
I had a job I didn't like, a boss I didn't like, a boyfriend that frankly, I didn't like. I didn't like my car. I didn't like my house. I was pinning dislike on everything I had inorder to come up with a reason for my unhappiness.
But, even after ditching all of those, I was still unhappy.
The doctor performed a host of medical tests. But it was a hospital nurse who diagnosed me. She told me I was under extreme stress.
Okay great, now what? She handed me a business card for a meditation group that was starting at the hospital.
It was run by Jon Kabit-Zinn. He was running a Mindful Meditation course.
My Ah-Ha Moment
The principals of mindfulness meditation are simple: Attention to the present moment. Observe without judging. Patience. Trust. Non-striving. Acceptance. Letting go.
I said simple. I didn't say easy.
It was an 8-week course where I learned to be kind to myself as I learned mindfulness practices. This was all new to me. It was hard.
An ah-ha moment came after the 8-hour silent meditation that ended the course: I am worthy of self compassion and kindness. I am important. I am amazing. OMG! Those thoughts had never crossed my mind before.
My Bandaid Repair
I felt amazing. For awhile.
Mindfulness meditation practices worked, as long as I remembered to do them.
And, they are wonderful for settling you into the present moment so you that when the past and the future whisper too loudly, you can set them where they belong.
But after a while, I went back to feelings unhappy again. I wasn't addressing the root cause, which was my subconscious limiting belief system that had been set up from childhood.
What if I Could be Free for Good?
All of my unhappiness featured in my dreams. But the problem wasn't my boyfriend or my boss.
My dreams were telling me where my unhappiness was coming from. They were pointing to all the subconscious beliefs I held about myself since childhood.
Too bad I didn't know what my dreams meant. If I had, I would have had true awareness about my unhappiness and a way to tackle it. But at that time in my life, I knew nothing about dream interpretation.
The mindfulness meditation practice was a door I could take. I learned to scan my body and see where I was holding stress, and then I learned to breathe into it and release it.
But it didn't solve all of my problems. It felt more like a Band-Aid, and I returned to being unhappy without really knowing why or what to do about it. And that went on for years.
And yes, I had more panic attacks.
The Real Ah-Ha
Through mindfulness meditation I learned to stop triggers when they started, to relax into myself and release.
But it was through analyzing my dream that I finally learned the why of my unhappiness. It was the real ah-ha I had been looking for.
That knowing, that ah-ha, was the beginning of true healing.
Through analyzing my dreams, I realized that my life matters in each timeless moment, every breath, more than I ever knew.
Now my mindfulness meditation practices don't feel like bandaids covering up a bigger issue.
They help me through the tough times. But it is through my dreams that I continually learn that it's ok to be me.
"Just this moment, just this breath, just this sitting here, just this human being. Just this. Just this."
~Jon Kabat-Zinn