Help! My People Pleasing Is Out Of Balance
This is a real dream:
A man comes into my house and points a gun at me. Then several members of his militia wearing black enter the house. I'm really scared of them. I don't know what they want with me. I’m in the process of making spaghetti dinner, so I set several extra chairs and invite them to join me. I spend the rest of the evening running around making sure they're comfortable.
Yes or no? We have a people pleasing problem here?
The Making of a People Pleaser
Do you go to somebody's party and start doing their housework?
People pleasing is a masculine energy imbalance. And don't mistakenly think that masculine energy means male. We are all made up of both feminine and masculine energy. Both women and men can be people pleasers. Feminine and masculine energy is gender neutral. In fact, you want both energies fully balanced in life in order to be happy and successful.
Usually in life, one of these energies is out of balance. When this happens you'll exhibit behaviors that might initially make you feel good (such as pleasing others); but that good feeling won't last.
People Pleaseing Behaviors
Saying yes when you really mean no.
Taking on extra work when you don't have time.
Over committing to plans and responsibilities.
Accepting invitations to things you don't want to go to.
Rarely expressing criticism or disagreeing with others.
Not voicing your honest opinion.
Pretending to be happy when you're really not.
Apologizing excessively.
Feeling that you are only liked if you continue to meet other people's needs.
Not speaking up when something is bothering you because you fear the response you'll get.
What's So Bad About Being a People Pleaser?
You may be completely oblivious to how this is affecting you. Let's look at the reason this can be a problem; why striving to help others at your own expense is harmful.
Maybe you always agree with people to earn their admiration, apologize for things that aren't your fault, or change your behavior to match others inorder to avoid conflict. All of those things are being done in a non-authentic way. In other words you're not being true to yourself.
We all know that telling a lie takes a lot of effort, whereas telling the truth is easy. If you're not being true to yourself, and always acting in a way that is not authentic, well, that takes a lot of energy.
The fact is, that the minute you make somebody more important than yourself, you've minimized your own worth.
The Effects of People Pleasing
People pleasing takes a toll. It may be the reason you feel:
Stress - unable to cope with everything you're taking on.
Tired- taking on too much, or even putting on a happy face and spreading happy even when you're not.
Rejection - feeling that you'll be rejected if you express your own desires and boundaries.
Neglect- neglecting your own needs and self-care.
Resentment- if you feel you have no choice but to people please, you may start to resent people, or feel taken advantage of.
Worth - You may stay in a relationship or job that doesn't honor your worth.
Roll Playing - You may find that you play one roll with one person and play a different roll with another. Either way, you are never yourself.
Gossip - you may resort to gossip in order to fit in, and thus hurt the person you are gossiping about.
Burnout - You never set your own boundaries.
What Causes People Pleasing?
The behavior of people pleasing actually goes back to childhood when you wanted to be liked so badly that you would sacrifice your wishes and desires to prioritize fulfilling somebody else's needs.
People pleasing is a trauma response in an attempt to settle conflict and maintain approval of others. You are out of alignment with your own desires and your own intuition because your focus has shifted from internal validation to external validation.
People pleasing happens when you feel:
Low self esteem - You feel worth less than others.
Anxiety - You want to fit in, or don't want to cause offense.
Conflict avoidance - You want to avoid relationship conflicts.
Inequity - Your cultural or social status may reinforce the idea that you're meant to look after others.
Trauma - Fight flight and freeze aren't the only responses to trauma. Your response may be to a survival mechanism of pleasing others inorder to gain admiration for those you fear.
How Do I Stop People Pleasing?
How you go about changing from being a people pleaser depends on why you are people pleasing.
The first step is to become aware of where you're engaging in people pleasing behaviors.
Then recognize how it's impacting you.
Begin to recognize that you can change things. Feel empowered by this
Then learn who to give your time to, and set boundaries with them.
Learn to:
Commit - commit to one thing at a time.
Stop and ask yourself - when somebody makes a request, stop and allow yourself to think whether it's really in your best interest before answering.
Set time limits - Set time limits or deadlines for helping someone.
Practice saying "No" - if you've conditioned yourself to always say "yes", you're going to have to practice saying "no" and get used to that feeling.
In Your Dreams
Your dreams can help you. They can pinpoint areas in your life where behaviors and habits of your parents or authority figures led you to pleasing everyone before yourself.
Your dreams will connect the imbalance to an obstacle so you can overcome it.
Dreams only ask you to address an issue when now is the time to do it.
And dreams don't give up on you. If you don't act on their advice, your dreams will be telling you the exact same thing in 5, 10 or 15 years. Yikes!